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... and now we're here.

Its the holiday season and I have a lot of "feels" right now. Outside of the standard lonliness I feel when I'm ovulating I am having deep feelings of "leave me tf alone" which has me fighting on Facebook.

That is not how I want to spend my time of Beyonce's internet.

My day actually started last night when I shared a post from my social media crush, Kyla Lacey, which simply said, "I’m Black but I’m not Kwanza Black. That’s like a level up of dedication." Which made a friend feel compelled to share a post I made in 2020 when I hosted an online Kwanzaa event for the homie, Dr. Enkeshi.

The comment they made with the share was along the lines of, " [She] talking about she ain't Black Kwanzaa, but hosted a whole day in 2020 (crying laughing emoji) ... soooo what happened?..." which made me respond by telling them that (1) I do what is asked of me by my friends bc that's what support looks like. and (2) what it doesn't look like is tryna front on a friend who has a difficult relationship with holidays... and yes, I'm talking about YOU! (crying laughing emojis but I was so serious)"

They respond with something about Facebook memories and accountability where I then had to respond by sharing why I have a hard time celebrating holidays which then took me on a mentally emotional trip back down memory lane filled with traumas of holiday's past.

Right around that same time I was blocking an old high school acquaintance who decided that today was the day that he wanted to invalidate my trauma around Robert Kelly and my own history with sexual trauma.

Now, I'm sitting over here like...

And I might be.

There are times where all of these old feelings pop up on their own but to have them triggered sits so ill on me bc its really hard for me to re-release these harmful memories.

So what now?

How do I process these big feelings and continue on living life?

I make my first blog post on my website to try and leave these thoughts and feelings here.

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